Equal Measure

“Moments of light and darkness… not always in equal measure.” If I may be so narcissistic as to quote myself...

It has always been easier for me to see the dark. I have an eye for it, I am attuned to it. There is a strange sense of comfort in the familiarity of it because I have spent so much of my life there. But I am not happy there.

Circumstance, events… these are all transitional and constantly changing. While the most important things in my life are good and positive, still, I am often overwhelmed by the negative. In the day to day world of get-up-go-to-work-come-home-be-brain-dead-go-to-sleep-get-up-go-to-work, it is easy to see only the negative. It is easy to get lost when most of your waking hours are spent in a less than optimum work environment. But let’s take stock.

A few years ago, I spent a grueling 18 months in a combination of therapy and spiritual direction. During that time, I faced and fought a lot of demons. Successfully, I might add… I ended toxic relationships and stepped into the transformative fires that forged the “me” who I was meant to be. One thing that will always remain with me is that I was asked the question “What is your deepest desire?” I explored several answers only to come back to my initial gut instinct…

Love, with a capital L. Spiritual love, love of friends and family, and the love of that one special person who you allow into your heart to share life. Two as one.

The desire for spiritual love has never left me, even though my commitment to spirituality has changed over time… not left me, but changed. I have family who I love with all of my heart… not all of my family, but enough that I feel connected. After bemoaning the fact that I left so much behind, particularly good friends when I made my 2,000 mile move, I realized that I was doing nothing to cultivate new friendships. I have since developed some real friendships that are growing and deepening. Most important of all (What is your deepest desire?), I have that one special person in my life; I have a strong relationship that is exactly what I hoped against hope that could be someday. The kind of love and commitment that many people never know in their lives. I have it, and I am blessed beyond belief.

This is what sustains me, this is what nurtures and carries me.

Once again, when I take the time to open my eyes and look around me; when I listen and hear the inner voice of reason… I find the balance. Light and darkness may not always be in equal measure. But I am taking a step forward and feeling the warmth of coming back into the light.

It seems to be a lesson that I need to learn over and over…

Watching The Dark

Wit and Wisdom

Endless time
and senseless rhyme
where’s anything of worth?
The trail narrows before me
that I’ve followed
since my birth

Time just brings
material things
that in time turn to dust
But wit and wisdom
once like steel
begin to fade and rust

People pass like phantoms
‘till you wonder
if they’re real
Concerted indifference
to do anything
but feel

Hollow cries
from sightless eyes
that shed mere tears of dust
But wit and wisdom
once like steel
begin to fade and rust…


Most of this is from song lyrics that I wrote over 20 years ago. Most… because I don’t remember all of the words, so I filled in the rest with what you see here. What I remembered (mostly the music) was going through my head… it relates to some current difficulties. Things are far better than when I wrote the original, but it is good to know that cynicism and exploring the darkness is timeless…

OK Boys, Break’s Over…

… and so my first real vacation in over seven years come to a close. You may say, “Hey, what about all of those Disney trips? “ Well, here is how I define a real vacation:

It must last at least one full week AND it requires being away from home for that week

There is usually a third – It must involve no more than two people, and one of those two must be me. But with a family reunion as the basis for the vacation, well, that one got waived. Besides, the aforementioned vacation seven years ago was the beginning of a series of events that resulted in my eventual divorce. While, in retrospect, that is not a bad thing, I am not looking to repeat that experience ever again… the two rules will suffice.

There is no way that I am going to attempt to chronicle the entire week. But I can give you some highlights (and low points)

There were 19 of us in a very nice beach house at a wonderful location. But, there were 19 of us… Everyone was very nice and considering that I was new to 15 members of David’s family in a potentially awkward situation, everyone was very nice. It didn’t take long to fit in…

I shared a birthday with Amy (pictured beneath the blade), one of David’s nieces, who quickly became my favorite (shhh…. Don’t tell the rest). David gave me a very cool and unexpected gift – the entire Absolutely Fabulous series on DVD, packaged in an absolutely fabulous silver tufted case that looks like a book, complete with silver and black leopard print silk book marker. Smashing, sweetie darling…

There were six children ranging in age from 3 to 13. In my experience and considering my low tolerance for children, I must say they are very well behaved… most of the time. But they are children, so I expect them be just that… children. I think my facial expression says it best...

I have heard it , but now I have experienced it - this family really does get along very well. Most were up each night to the wee hours having cocktails, playing games, having cocktails, talking, having cocktails. Amazing…

David got an earache on Tuesday and is still fighting it.

I got sick on Wednesday with fever, muscle aches and chills. The worst of it lasted for only 24 hours, but I still can’t eat properly (not necessarily a bad thing at my current weight.)

Mom’s 80th birthday was on Thursday. We all descended on a local pub that serves great pizza and other than David’s earache and my inability to eat, a good time was had by all. One of David’s nieces made a very cool cake and we did the gift thing back at the beach house. I still can’t believe that she is 80 – she is, to say the least, an amazing woman. Oh yes, we gave her the coolest gift – a digital frame loaded with new and old pictures and even included a video clip from Christmas at Disney. Oooh’s and Ahhh’s abounded.

The fireworks display on the 4th was probably one of the best fireworks displays in my experience. The beach is a big crescent from Sanibel Island, through Fort Meyers, Bonita Springs, and all the way down to Naples. All were going at the same time and we were right at the center of the crescent. Some of the most impressive displays were right on the beach on each side of us – really, really close on each side of us. For a change, I decided not to bring the camera and just enjoy it. It was a very good choice.

I didn’t turn off my phone soon enough and work did call… later, I missed a birthday call from a good friend who I really would have enjoyed talking to. Oh well, cell phones are a necessary evil.

We left with a ton of leftover food, about 500 photos, goodies from a local outlet mall, and returned to find all was well, and that bills don’t stop coming in the mail just because you are on vacation.

That’s the short version. And so for now, break’s over. Tomorrow, I find out what awaits me at work, ready to hit the ground running. I reserve the right to whine about it.

But before that, perhaps a Sunday nap…