I always imagined that I would be the one to deliver the eulogy. It’s one of those strange things that sits at the back of your thoughts and pops up now and again – probably more frequently as mom continued to grow increasingly ill and weak. It occurred to me in times of sadness for her, and anger about her life - how incredibly unfair it is for anyone to suffer through an entire lifetime. Born prematurely, a youth spent in health clinics that were more like torture chambers in those days, battles with depression, anxiety, too fearful to even learn how to drive a car, crippling arthritis, osteoporosis, and the final insult, Alzheimer’s … Anger, an inherited family disease, has kept me away. There have been too many family gatherings that required too much recuperation time. It can kill you from the inside and derail your life. I witnessed how badly her life was derailed by an angry and contentious marriage; one that would never survive these days, but we are talking about a different generation. Of course the anxiety and a large measure of codependence all play into years of a torturous relationship. It may be part of the reason why I have lived so far away from the family; maybe not.
In many ways I’m the lucky one. I recognize the anger that lives inside, and I do battle with that demon to keep it at bay. Had I allowed it to take over, I would not be much different than the one I inherited it from. It may be my inheritance, but it will not be my epitaph.
But I also inherit a balance. Mom was a dreamer… and never completely abandoned hope for something better. She was a voracious reader, loved to draw, loved music, could sing beautifully… these are mine as well and I know where they come from. She was always very proud of my artistic abilities, and made sure that I knew it.
I received the phone call on Sunday. A beautiful, sunny Florida day, I was at the ball fields during my first day as scorekeeper for Blue Ice – David’s softball team; in a way, I suppose it’s now my team too. I was a little anxious at first, but I had help, so I was able to ease into it. I had a wonderful moment after the first game when the scorekeeper from the losing team came to me and asked for help. His book was basically blank and he was completely lost. I went over it with him, player by player, inning by inning, for both teams. I felt sorry for him and suddenly much less sorry for myself about being a bit lost with this new challenge.
I heard my phone ring during the game, but I was expecting another call – so I let it go to voicemail. Before the second game, I looked at my cell phone to see what the time was, and saw that there was a message – I forgot, in all of the excitement of the first day of the new softball season. The message was my sister’s voice sounding very troubled. I knew. I called and her voice was calm, but uncharacteristically low key.
Five weeks ago, they gave mom 48 hours to live, but she hung on. Should I have gone to visit? Her Alzheimer’s took away most memory and she no longer recognized me for over two years now. Fortunately, she did recognize my sister who was there to visit, feed her, and always seemed to be able to make her laugh. I’m not sure if she was recognizing who was really with her, but that doesn’t matter; she had someone to care for her and comfort her.
I was informed late yesterday that the viewing is today and the funeral is tomorrow – 1500 miles away. Mom made her wishes very clear about not wanting a viewing or traditional funeral. She called the whole process barbaric – and I completely agree. So now, she has to endure one final indignity. This is the kind of thing that causes anger to rear its ugly head. I will let anger have its way for a bit, but I will not allow it take over.
I did look at flights, but if I were to go, I would have been on a plane at 6:45 AM this morning. Instead, I choose to be home. It’s not the cost, it’s not the time away from work, it is my way of showing respect for her wishes and refusing to be a part of something she so clearly didn’t want. I understand the consequences of how most of my family will view this, but that’s their consequences for going against her wishes.
So there will be no eulogy; I won’t even be there. I will pay my respects in my own way, silently, from afar. Mom is dead, so I really don’t think the distance is an issue to her. I will say what I have to say directly to her.
Mom, I love you, I miss you, and I am so sorry for all the pain in your life. I know that a child can’t change an abusive spouse, but the desire to intercede has haunted me for years. All of that is over now. Now you can be with me in a way that wasn’t possible before. No more hiding, no more secrets. In a way, we are both free now.
Topher
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Thom, my thoughts and prayers are with you today.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 11:03am (EST)
Claire
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Thom, I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts, of course. I'm sure that choosing not to go to the funeral was a difficult decision for you. Not that you need my approval, but I believe that you did the right thing for both you & your mom.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 10:06am (CST)
MyLad…
There are no words that I can say, but I can sit with you in your pain. I hope you will feel like you are held as you cope with this. Love and heartfelt hugs to you.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 11:14am (EST)
pablo
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thom, my prayers and thoughts are with you. i know that it is very hard for you not to fly 1500 miles to see your mom for the very last time. but given with your mom's wishes, im sure she is looking down at you from above and expressing her heartful thanks to you in acknowledging her requests.- hugs to you my good friend -
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 10:24am (MST)
John A
totally with you. funerals shouldn't be some function where people just stand around and mope, they should be celebrations of a person's life and what they've contributed while blessed with the opportunity of just being here. there was all this associated drama around particulars and formalities from my grandmother's funeral that has divided my mother's family further and further away (apparently people were mad for my siblings and I that we weren't invited to walk down in the procession of her casket at the funeral mass, when other grandchildren were invited. I didn't really understand the draw of it.) I'm glad you're not too caught up in all the formality and are able to make your own peace in your own way. You totally get it.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 09:38am (PST)
Richa…
Thom you are in my thoughts in this hard time. I lost my mother through Alzheimers 3 years ago and it was a very heartbreaking experience. Take care.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 12:53pm (EST)
Steva…
Thom you have so much strenght and grace. I think you honored your mother how she would have wanted you to. Her funeral may have been 1500 miles away but at that moment she was with you, I am sure of that. My heart goes out to you and know that you are loved - Nilla :*
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 03:27pm (EST)
Jes' …
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First of all, I will say I'm glad your mother is free, and I hope you can allow yourself enough time for whatever healing can take place between you and your family, that's when freedom will come. Now I'd like to say, after reading this, you are one of the most beautifully aware souls that I have ever known. You feel things that are deep within others and wrap your understanding around them so sensitively. Am I making sense? Well...I'll just put it this way, I love you for the respect that you've shown to your mother and effort that you obviously spent to see the world that she lived in from the place circumstances had brought her to. I just flat out love you, Thom. I wish I could hug you right now and I hope you'll have some peace about this soon. Take care, sweetie...everyone is wishing the same for you, I'm sure.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 02:33pm (CST)
Louis
My Dear Friend Thom, The sweetest sentiment that any of us can hope to recieve is the final act of having our last wishes carried out, and you are honoring your mother far greater than those who want to defy her wishes by having the viewing, however, for levities sake, your siblings and extended family may not have the personal fortitude, or ability to let go, instead insisting on a wholy routine practice of paying thier last respects at the final viewing as a means to help them let go.I too have made promises to my Mother, and as you are doing, plan on honoring her when her time comes to pass by carrying out what she has made me promise. The love and honor is in our word, and in our actions, and you my friend are respecting, honoring and loving your mother how she wished to be, and there is no better child than the one you are being at this moment. My thoughts, and my love to you my friend.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 03:39pm (EST)
Rober…
I can truly empathize. Against my better judgement, I went to my Dad's funeral so many years ago. It did provide closure-and the realization that we had never been a family and never would. Nothing but madness, painful memories, and-yes-anger, bound us together.We all grieve in our own ways. I chose not to attend my Grandmother's funeral because I did not want that image of her in my mind. For me, she is still the living, vibrant, fiesty person I always new.You respected your Mother's wishes, not being part of the Pagan Charade of a funeral. I admire your courage.You'll be in my thoughts-Robert
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 06:01pm (EST)
Susan…
Thom, I can so identify with your mom and what you described about her life. Life can be especialy cruel to some people.I was with my mom the day she died in the hospice, but I missed her final hour. However,I was with my brother when we disconnected the life support. I promised him he would not be alone when he died, and I was glad I could hold him and talk to him as he left this world. Personally I am glad my family wanted funerals. I got to say good-bye to my mom, dad and brother. Friends and family were there. It was nice.But I also understand your anger at your mom's wishes being ignored. My aunt died suddenly and refused to have a funeral and it was tough not to be able to say that final goodbye. One day she was there, then she simply vanished. It was hard. But we respected her wishes.It doesn't matter how old you are, or the difficulty you might have had with a relative, when a parent dies there is an emptiness in your heart. I was lucky in that my parents did not have Alzheimer's, but my only surviving aunt has it, I feel I lost her about 5 years ago, even though she is still alive.I am rambling, I apologize.I just wanted you to know you are not alone, your 360 family loves you, and you are in our prayers! My love to you. Hang tight to Dave at this time, he will be there for you.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 05:02pm (CST)
Manor…
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I'm glad you were able to write this today. I know it wasn't easy.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 03:17pm (PST)
cathe…
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As a mother this post brought tears to my eyes, and as a mother I can tell you I sincerely believe she would be very proud of you and your decisions.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 03:34pm (PST)
tomlin
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Thom, I see a lot of similarities to my mother and the situation with her. I agree she probably did not recognize your sister and she was in love with anyone who made her comfortable. It would have been another torture for you. Funerals are for the living. Your blog is a wonderful eulogy to a very tough life lived as well as possible. Thank your mother for us. She did well with you, and we benefit.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 03:48pm (PST)
three…
Thom, what a touching tribute to your mother. I know she is still very VERY proud of you and admires the way in which you wish to give her a tribute and thanks. The peace you feel about it now may waffle now and then for a while, but before long you will know you did exactly the right thing for both of you. Thanks for sharing this moment with us.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 07:29pm (EST)
scott b
Just feel my arms around you and hear my breath,.... brother.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 07:36pm (EST)
BluDo…
That's my Thom...
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 07:51pm (EST)
Phil
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In all the fervor that is life, this one aspect of life is often denied, ignored, or pushed completely aside. My heart goes out to you, Thom. For each person that is a part of our lives, whether good or bad, long or short, loved or feared, that person changes us. My grandmother passed away last December, and in many ways I feel things similar to what you have expressed here. Myself, I had no idea how to respond, how to feel, or what to feel. I only felt what I did, which for the life of me I cannot put in words. We each are touched in different ways, there is no wrong way or right way to feel. Be well, my friend, and take care.
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 10:22pm (MST)
Jillene
You've eulogized your mother beautifully, acknowledged her gifts and her pain, along with your own birthright of those same things. Your decision to stay home feels solid and sound. David supports you so beautifully. I send you a warm hug and my highest regards.And I love that you say Blue Ice is your team, too. :-) Of course!
Tuesday March 6, 2007 - 10:41pm (MST)
Paulc…
I am so sorry to hear your news, my dear. My hugs go out to you as yours go out to your Mum. Be strong.
Wednesday March 7, 2007 - 04:55am (PST)
Jim &…
Dearest Thom, I know the abstractionism of writing this had took much absortion from you, but your mother would be so honored knowing you carried out her aspirations. You are a wonderful son, I'm very sorry for your loss, but just remember she is autonomously free from any affliction that was constraining her. My deepest thoughts & prayers are with you my friend. Lots of Love & Big Hugs, Jimmy
Wednesday March 7, 2007 - 02:05pm (EST)
Qalbi
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Dear friend, Im sure your Mom was proud of you as much as we are...however all I can do is to say you are on my mind and in my toughts...I wish to say the time is a healer but I can't I lost my father 25yrs ago and it still sore...take good care Thom -hugs- from *Q*
Wednesday March 7, 2007 - 08:52pm (CET)
Earth…
i just don't know what the right words to say are to that. but you contue to always impress me with the depth of your mind and heart, thank you for staying in touch!!! take care of yourself!!! hugs!!!
Friday March 9, 2007 - 03:54am (PST)
Encha…
Such a sweet tribute from a son to a mother. I can see how much you loved, honored and respected her. My condolences to you. I understand you have probably grieved over her for a long time especially since she had alzheimers but please don't be surprised at yourself if you find yourself crying at odd moments. Something will remind you of her, totally out of context, and the tears will flow. My heart and prayers are with your brother. Know that I love you.
Saturday March 10, 2007 - 04:06pm (MST)
Encha…
I meant with you my brother...not with your brother. Sometimes my fingers are not connected to my thoughts.
Saturday March 10, 2007 - 04:09pm (MST)
HaleyC
I'll simply add to the love and support of your other friends here, and offer up my esteem and admiration for your ability to so clearly articulate your feelings for your mother. Sending you my love and encouragement.
Saturday March 10, 2007 - 04:58pm (PST)
Suave…
I came in here once before yet was speechless by the mutual respect that was fostered between you and your mom. I don't knnow what else to say but I think your way of mourning your mom is very dignified and respectful. My respect to your mom and affectionate hug to you.
Monday March 12, 2007 - 11:19pm (EDT)
Judy
I know am late......... The loss of a parent is hard. My thoughts went out to you and I will put you in my prayers...
Wednesday March 14, 2007 - 01:11pm (PDT)
Kelli…
It is a bittersweet thing, Thom....Glad you recognize the sweetness. Hugs my sweet friend....
Wednesday March 21, 2007 - 07:22am (CDT)
aams00
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WOW Thom I learned so much from you just in this blog, I was out blog lurking hee hee...This blog was very beautiful in so many ways & I agree both you and your Mom are "free." May she R.I.P. & I hope you find comfort in everyday life...huggerssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss *smiles*
Friday March 23, 2007 - 07:33am (CDT)
