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I don’t think I have ever written so many things that I have looked at and said, “I can’t post that.” While I have never shied away from emotional or dark material, sometimes things get so entangled in a mix of thoughts and feelings that it becomes difficult to express them properly. Other times, they are so dark that they frighten me. And then there is plain old self-indulgent writing. I know that one should be able to put anything they like into a blog – it’s a blog, we are not exactly going for a Pulitzer Prize here. But my rule of thumb is that if I don’t like it, I don’t post it.

So I will try again.

It is a strange path I have taken. I do not regret my life choices – I believe that things could not have happened any other way. But recently, there have been times when I have asked myself, “How the hell did I get here?” It is more than just “here” being a point on a map. Certainly, being with David is the single consistently positive answer to that question. But it is not just where I am living or who I am with, it is the mental, spiritual, and physical state that I find troubling. At one time I felt that this was all within my power to control. More recently, life has provided a series of humbling lessons that negate any illusion of control or power.

There is a lot of ego in those words – control and power. Some ascribe to the belief that personal power and control are essential to strong mental health. Others believe that we have no power or control and the sooner we let go of it, the easier and fuller our lives will be. Maybe the truth lies somewhere in between these diametrically opposed points of view. I don’t know.

And therein lies the problem. For so long, it all seemed so clear. When a choice was to be made, the pros and cons were laid out, and there was always a right choice. So often, when questioned about some of my more significant life choices, I could easily answer, “Because it was the right thing to do.” Regarding those choices, I still have to agree with that assessment. But these days I have found life a bit less colorful and now filled with seemingly endless shades of grey. What do you do when you can’t find a “right” choice? Do you settle for the lesser of bad choices? I don’t… I agonize over it. And that is just what I have been doing.

I left the corporate world because, among other reasons, I didn’t like the person I had become. When I had my own business, I proved (to myself, at least) that you don’t have to be a jerk to be successful in a very competitive environment. During that time I experienced major life changes that shaped who I am. I had a path, I had direction. Unfortunately, I allowed subsequent events to break that compass. Right and wrong are no less clear – the problem is getting there. Now I find myself in a position dangerously close to where I was in the corporate world. I have to make choices that affect people’s lives. Sometimes there is no choice but to do something that you know will have a negative impact for “the good of the whole.” Lord help me if I ever say that “it is in their best interest.”

I am not afraid of the tough choices. I do not shy away from hard work. But I now find myself at odds with what I have come to believe as my core values. Hence the question, “How the hell did I get here?

The answer? Probably “by design.” But who’s?

Playing Hooky… sort of

I suppose, technically this is not hooky. My boss knows I am taking the day off and even the real reason why. I am not faking an illness or pretending I have to be somewhere else. Actually, I am not doing much of anything.

I was going to take off Good Friday, because I like to take the day for quiet reflection. A whole day got changed to a half-day, which turned into leaving an hour early. Doesn’t count. Then I was going to take today off, which turned into a half day… etc. Yesterday my boss said, “why bother with half a day; take the whole day off…” How can I refuse an offer like that? In spite of the reasons that kept me at work nearly the whole day last Friday (you know, the Good one), a.k.a. too damn much to do, I took today anyway.

The original reason for taking today off was to do something to honor the memory of my friend Jim (see blog “Adios”). Since he lived in California and his family is in New Jersey, the service is not until today. Today would also have been his 53rd birthday. I really wanted to go to the service in NJ, but after careful consideration and a very difficult decision, I chose not to go. Instead, I thought I would do a couple of things that would be appropriate to say goodbye and remember him in my own way.

I have done none of those things. I emailed, I read, I wasted time on Facebook… I played hooky on my own commitment to honor his memory.

But it is not too late.

I just bought a CD that arrived in the mail yesterday – “Quah” by Jorma Kaukonen. I know… what? By who? He was the lead guitarist from Jefferson Airplane and Hot Tuna. “Quah” was his first solo album and it is probably one of my top ten favorites of all time. It is all acoustic blues and showcases Jorma’s amazing guitar playing and songwriting skills. The timing of its arrival couldn’t be better. I bought the record (there used to be these things on vinyl….) when it first came out in 1974. That was also the year that Jim and I were rooming together. To say it was heavily played in our apartment would be an understatement. I just finished listening to it for the first time in nearly 30 years and aside from my amazement for how timeless it is, I was flooded with memories of Jim and I playing guitar together. I taught him to play, each with our 12 string guitars (I still have that guitar – it is behind me in my profile picture) and we would spend hours learning and playing songs.

Jim continued to play up until the end. I have not played my guitar very much, choosing instead to play keyboards. But recently, I have been hearing songs I used to play and I have been getting the itch to pick up the guitar and go through the painful process of getting my guitar calluses back. I was far more skilled on guitar than any other instrument I play, so it is really a crime that I let it go.

Then it occurred to me – what a fitting way to honor Jim’s memory.

I am re-stringing my guitar, cleaning it up, and I am going to play songs that I have not played for far too long. I can’t think of a better way to keep Jim alive in my heart.

This is your send-off, buddy. I hope you appreciate how much my fingers are going to hurt.

Facebook ate my Blog

Most of my facebook contacts and all of my Blogger contacts are great people from our Y360 days - and they are also great writers. These days, a blog will trickle in once in a while… a precious rarity in what was a wealth of prolific creativity. Journals, poems, rants, humor, everyday occurrences from the absurd to the sublime; from the profound to the profane… it was wonderful. I am just as guilty. Even during the busiest of times, I would post at least once a week. Now I go for weeks with nothing to say (well, nothing I am willing to commit to posting). What happened? I have a theory.

Email killed letter writing. Texting killed grammar, vocabulary, and spelling skills. Now facebook has killed blogging. It is an easy distraction from real writing. What used to be a crafted piece of work has been reduced to “Thom is…” then fill in the blank. Quick comments (except for Rob : )), silly quizzes, planting gardens, poking, super poking, sucking lollipops… etc, etc, etc. I am not saying that I don’t enjoy it. I certainly participate in it. But the time I spend doing this would be better spent writing again. Again, I have a theory about why we do this.

Many of us started out on a social networking site (Y360) that, at the center, was the blog. Said social networking site went belly up. We scattered to the four cyber winds. Some continued writing on other sites, like Multiply, Blogger, My(wasted)Space, created independent blogs, or are stubbornly holding out hope that Y360 will rise from the ashes like a virtual phoenix (don’t hold your breath). But we were never able to recreate what we had on Y360. Recently, one by one, we rediscovered each other on facebook – and I am very happy about that. Many of us also pulled in people from our past who we thought were lost to time. Wonderful! I have very happily reconnected with people I never thought I would encounter again. It is obvious that we are social creatures and we love the contact, we love to see what is happening in each other’s lives, or just have something as basic as a gauge on a friend’s mood – we were jonesing and we found our social networking fix.

But what of the real writing? We text, we Twitter, and we allow facebook to eat our blogging time. Facebook is like cocaine – you do a line, you feel good, then you do another and another and another and before you know it you are up half the night thinking something really cool has happened. I used to compose and record music this way… the next day, I would listen to what I did and it was usually pure crap.

I am glad that we have all reconnected. I thoroughly enjoy the interaction, the jokes, the flirtation, and yes, even the lollipop sucking.

But I really miss reading your wonderful blogs.