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I don’t think I have ever written so many things that I have looked at and said, “I can’t post that.” While I have never shied away from emotional or dark material, sometimes things get so entangled in a mix of thoughts and feelings that it becomes difficult to express them properly. Other times, they are so dark that they frighten me. And then there is plain old self-indulgent writing. I know that one should be able to put anything they like into a blog – it’s a blog, we are not exactly going for a Pulitzer Prize here. But my rule of thumb is that if I don’t like it, I don’t post it.

So I will try again.

It is a strange path I have taken. I do not regret my life choices – I believe that things could not have happened any other way. But recently, there have been times when I have asked myself, “How the hell did I get here?” It is more than just “here” being a point on a map. Certainly, being with David is the single consistently positive answer to that question. But it is not just where I am living or who I am with, it is the mental, spiritual, and physical state that I find troubling. At one time I felt that this was all within my power to control. More recently, life has provided a series of humbling lessons that negate any illusion of control or power.

There is a lot of ego in those words – control and power. Some ascribe to the belief that personal power and control are essential to strong mental health. Others believe that we have no power or control and the sooner we let go of it, the easier and fuller our lives will be. Maybe the truth lies somewhere in between these diametrically opposed points of view. I don’t know.

And therein lies the problem. For so long, it all seemed so clear. When a choice was to be made, the pros and cons were laid out, and there was always a right choice. So often, when questioned about some of my more significant life choices, I could easily answer, “Because it was the right thing to do.” Regarding those choices, I still have to agree with that assessment. But these days I have found life a bit less colorful and now filled with seemingly endless shades of grey. What do you do when you can’t find a “right” choice? Do you settle for the lesser of bad choices? I don’t… I agonize over it. And that is just what I have been doing.

I left the corporate world because, among other reasons, I didn’t like the person I had become. When I had my own business, I proved (to myself, at least) that you don’t have to be a jerk to be successful in a very competitive environment. During that time I experienced major life changes that shaped who I am. I had a path, I had direction. Unfortunately, I allowed subsequent events to break that compass. Right and wrong are no less clear – the problem is getting there. Now I find myself in a position dangerously close to where I was in the corporate world. I have to make choices that affect people’s lives. Sometimes there is no choice but to do something that you know will have a negative impact for “the good of the whole.” Lord help me if I ever say that “it is in their best interest.”

I am not afraid of the tough choices. I do not shy away from hard work. But I now find myself at odds with what I have come to believe as my core values. Hence the question, “How the hell did I get here?

The answer? Probably “by design.” But who’s?