“Moments of light and darkness… not always in equal measure.” If I may be so narcissistic as to quote myself...It has always been easier for me to see the dark. I have an eye for it, I am attuned to it. There is a strange sense of comfort in the familiarity of it because I have spent so much of my life there. But I am not happy there.
Circumstance, events… these are all transitional and constantly changing. While the most important things in my life are good and positive, still, I am often overwhelmed by the negative. In the day to day world of get-up-go-to-work-come-home-be-brain-dead-go-to-sleep-get-up-go-to-work, it is easy to see only the negative. It is easy to get lost when most of your waking hours are spent in a less than optimum work environment. But let’s take stock.
A few years ago, I spent a grueling 18 months in a combination of therapy and spiritual direction. During that time, I faced and fought a lot of demons. Successfully, I might add… I ended toxic relationships and stepped into the transformative fires that forged the “me” who I was meant to be. One thing that will always remain with me is that I was asked the question “What is your deepest desire?” I explored several answers only to come back to my initial gut instinct…
Love, with a capital L. Spiritual love, love of friends and family, and the love of that one special person who you allow into your heart to share life. Two as one.
The desire for spiritual love has never left me, even though my commitment to spirituality has changed over time… not left me, but changed. I have family who I love with all of my heart… not all of my family, but enough that I feel connected. After bemoaning the fact that I left so much behind, particularly good friends when I made my 2,000 mile move, I realized that I was doing nothing to cultivate new friendships. I have since developed some real friendships that are growing and deepening. Most important of all (What is your deepest desire?), I have that one special person in my life; I have a strong relationship that is exactly what I hoped against hope that could be someday. The kind of love and commitment that many people never know in their lives. I have it, and I am blessed beyond belief.
This is what sustains me, this is what nurtures and carries me.
Once again, when I take the time to open my eyes and look around me; when I listen and hear the inner voice of reason… I find the balance. Light and darkness may not always be in equal measure. But I am taking a step forward and feeling the warmth of coming back into the light.
It seems to be a lesson that I need to learn over and over…
7 comments:
Your thoughtful reflections struck a chord with me. As you may have surmised, it's always been easier for me to see the dark, too. In recent months I, too, have been caught in that endless cycle of get-up-go-to-work-come-home-be-brain-dead-go-to-sleep-get-up-go-to-work. (I finally realized it had a lot to do with one of my meds...hopefully it'll be improving soon.) I see your story as a glimmer of hope, that it is possible still to find love and strong relationships. I'm happy for you that you're finding that balance.
Galen, I am happy if I can offer that glimmer of hope. It has actually been over a year now that I have been "stuck." As ridiculously simple as it sounds, it came down to a matter of accepting what I could not change and changing what I could. Of course, if you told me that a month ago, I would have rejected the notion. Oh yes, changes with my meds played a part too...
I'd have to agree with you about the deepest desire.The love of another is immeasurable in it's importance to our lives.It can be friends or family,or most importantly that 1 special someone who knows you inside and out.I hope that we all find such a love one day.
Very well written, as always, Thom!
It's also easier for me to see the dark. I think it's just part of growing up like I did, & it actually - in my opinion - makes me a little more wise & less gullible.
I remember my life before Doug & I have a hard time believing that I lived it. Not that it was so sordid, but looking back, I can see how much I wanted to find love - the real thing, not just something that sort of looked like it. I'm glad that, like you, my deepest desire became a reality.
It is quite healthy to step back and re-assess all that you have gone through and decide whether you are heading in the right direction. This entry of yours is quite affirming and constructive. Thanks.
Suavemente
Yeah, today was a good day, I enjoyed it, but, still I'm here in the dark. I'm practically begging for a sh*ty job, though I'm not really, and still not much changes. I don't know. I can't seem to share my darkness in a creative way that you have, it would just sound like total sh*t and depressing as hell. Still... Thank You. You got me thinking...
I see more of the darkness of life also...I want my life to change, I've become the ultimate schemer, coming up with all sorts of ways to find the path into some light. I guess I've been in a rut for 20 years or so...pulling one foot out of a hole and finding the other in a trap and on it goes. I wish that I didn't desire all this love stuff, I guess it's just natural. I do hope to focus on other things though so I can leave the dark side for a time. Love is all around, but I don't feel its healthy to ache this way. I'd also like better family relationships, but family itself makes it hard. I don't like those people and I'm recognizing its because they didn't like me that much either. Oh heck, I'll leave the beauty of writing about this stuff to you. I'm bleeding ink all over your page. Where can I get those meds you and Galen speak so glowingly of???
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