Reflection #54

Here sits I
caring not for the day
but rather the way I came to be in this place
this quiet space in time
sublime if but for the moment
a subtle comment on a long and winding path
aftermath of turns and choices
voices that call “yay” and “nay”
some that would betray
some that would belay the boldest truth

I have grown
sometimes old, sometimes weary
yet clearly with something gained
though strained and battered
beaten and shattered
I pick up the pieces again
and again and again
to some means, to no clear end
and then I see that it leads
to a place where I reflect upon it again, and

I wonder if all the mistakes and wrong turns were given another choice
would I still be sting right here, right now, in this same quiet place…

A Moment’s Pause

It has been quite a time, lately. I feel like I have been ridden hard and put away wet… it’s a metaphor, people, don’t get all trashy. OK, get trashy, I can use the laugh. Hmmm… there’s a bit of textbook ADD.

Anyway

June is hell month in my little corner of the universe I call my job(s). It is the end of the fiscal year, it is the month following our signature event (someone has to count the money), it is budget completion time, it is financial audit prep time, and all of the usual financial reporting, board meetings, daily drama, letting two people go and hiring another, etc, etc, etc… still had to happen – on time. This has been a particularly nasty one and it did not all go well. The budget is not finished and my usually organized records are in disarray so I am unprepared for the audit.

Oy

As I see it, I have two choices. I can either continue to work seven days a week or I can realize that I am shortening my life once again (it is a pattern with my job choices) and stop. I chose the latter. Well, maybe “pause” is more accurate than “stop.” I had planned to take off my birthday off because I consider my birthday to be a National Holiday and no one should have to work – most of all, me. So if you agree with this, call in birthday on Monday and celebrate with me. Well, Monday turned into Monday and Tuesday, which turned into a half day yesterday… nearly five days off. I return for two days, and then we have a three day Holiday (the recognized National kind) weekend.

Yay

A strange thing is happening. I am feeling a sense of calm… dare I say, peace. It is the first weekend since…???... that I have not either been at work, been at a work function, worked at home, or done anything related to work. I believe those funny sounds I am hearing are my own thoughts (thoughts… thoughts… thoughts…). I know there will be too much stuff waiting for me when I return to work, but for right now, it doesn’t matter.

Double Yay (Yay Yay)

So, yes, July will probably suck, but… there is another, possibly honesttogoodnessreal vacation in early August. David and I are taking the week off to celebrate his 50th birthday (now that should certainly be a national holiday). We have no firm plans yet. If you have David’s email or are connected to him on Facebook, blogger, or better still, by phone, tell him that we need to GO AWAY. The kind of GO AWAY that means spending a little money and being away from home and all of the chores that comes with that territory. He will probably kill me for this, but what the heck, it’s worth a try.

Please?

You see, this is what happens when I allow my mind to wander, unfocused. They (whoever “they” are) say that some stress is good – it keeps the mind active and focused. I hate to prove “them” right, but I fear with every word, I am doing just that. So, on that note (lalala) gentle reader, I will leave you with this thought…

Nothing succeeds like a parakeet with no teeth.

That Was The Week That Was

Again. Unless you were around in the 60’s, the title reference will most likely escape you… Google it; it was a very cool show.

Life, however, has not been a very cool show these days. With the exception of a few notable bright spots, it continues to be a very stressful and distressing time. How many weeks can you go through and say “Wow… what a long f*ing week!”

I am tired all of the time. I have no energy for anything after the workday. All I want to do is sleep on the weekends – when I am not working. Again and again…

In my last blog I stressed the need for balance. It is the answer and it will help. But with the passing of another unexpectedly stressful week, balance has not even been pursued. Again…

I am tired of sounding like a broken record about the same subject. I know it is within my power to change. It seems I just need a reset, a jump… something – anything, which seems to elude me. Just once, I want to say “I had a good day.” I need to reintroduce joy into my life and reclaim what I know is mine. As much as I want to end this on a positive or humorous note, it is just not happening.

Anyone have a set of jumper cables? (OK, that’s an attempt)

The Space Between Time

From what I am reading in the blogosphere, it seems that many of us are in the same boat – bad economy= too much work = no life. It is a simple, but unbalanced equation.

I am tired of thinking about it, complaining about it, and otherwise being consumed by it. But as sure as the sun will rise on another workday, it is unavoidable. Like good soldiers, we do what we have to do, however unpalatable, and hope that tomorrow (and tomorrow) will be a better day.

There are two realities about this:
1. It will take some time before the economy (=workload) will change
2. It is completely within our control to balance our lives

If you get past the disturbing assumption that there are 24 hour in a day and seven day in a week to get your work done, there is space in there somewhere for something vaguely resembling a life. It is a mindset change and I do not for a moment consider it an easy one. At the end of the work day, I have nothing left. I am tired, irritated, sometimes angry, sometimes depressed, and always ready to do nothing. That has to change. Television, mindless websites, snacking, and playing with your smartphone do not count. Reading, writing, walking, playing (for me, that means a musical instrument)… there are so many easy ways to get a little balance in these little opportunities of otherwise empty time. So why is it so damn hard?

I find that when I look at a clock, I see it as T-minus however many hours before I have to work. Yet another necessary mindset change. When I have been happiest, it has been during a time when I was living in the moment and didn’t see time as such a linear inevitability toward the next workday.

There is life in those empty spaces. Time to go exploring…

This is Just a Test...

If this were a real blog you would have been alerted...

I seem to have gotten disconnected. In the process of setting up a feed for my blog on Facebook, I have lost my own subscritption to Google Reader... which means you are not seeing it either. This would include my last three or four posts.

I have a theory, so I am testing it out. If you are reading this, it has worked. If not... I will try again....

and again and again and again...