Il n'y est sans joie dans Mudville

I think I need to be self employed again. Anybody got a couple of $100K they don’t need?

When I really sit back and think about work, it is not all that bad. I have a good position, I really like my boss, business is showing signs of an upturn, I have flexible hours and lots of vacation time… so why is it that I want to run out the door half the time, and the other half is measured as the space between vacations? On vacation days (like today) I just want to sit quietly in solitude and not have to interact with anyone – no matter what I have planned.

This is not like me. I am a social creature, but I feel like I am withdrawing more and more. I try to avoid most people at work, which is quite the challenge considering how small our office space is. I think it was easier (in a way) when I was just a nobody at work and did what I was told. Now that I have the ear of the CEO and the respect of the board of directors (well, most of them) I have a voice, an opinion, and an influence on how business is conducted. I said it before when I worked at HP – the closer you are to the decision making process of a business, the scarier it gets. That part is pretty scary right now because it all feels so out of control. So my opinion, voice, and influence prove to be mostly a frustration when I hear, “you’re right.” Well, I think I would rather be happy than right.

Yesterday, I was reminded of my true nature – you know, that aforementioned social creature. I actually unchained myself from my desk and met with the (a?) VP of our bank. In the process of negotiating our business line of credit (quite successfully, you’re welcome) I spoke to about four or five people, engaging in conversations from simple pleasantries to serious business matters. All polite, pleasant, and even… dare I say… fun. I was in my element. I left feeling good and then returned to work, put the chain back on, and went back to juggling balls, switching hats, and putting out fires.

“Oh, by the way, the meeting with the bank was very productive.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, not only will we renew, we can increase the limit if we want.”
“That’s great, good job.”
“It‘s what I do.”

Then I turned back to my computer and continued working while I ate lunch at my desk.

I know it is easy to glamorize the past, remembering all of the positive things and forget the drudgery that happens in the day to day. But when I had my own business, there was energy, there was satisfaction, there was… joy. I never worked so hard in my life and looking back, it took a serious set of balls to leave a successful job with a major corporation and jump into the unknown. Possibly the best choice I ever made – at least in the top three.

That is not to say that I have made or I am making bad choices since then. Now, it is more about making the only choice. It is about taking responsibility and understanding consequences. I suppose I should be glad that I had the experience and just get on with dealing with the realities of getting by in this economy and living in a place where the cost of living is disproportionate to income.

But it is also about that elusive joie de vivre… seriously, I only need about $250,000. Anyone?