Claire… Look what I found!!!

This morning was the first visit to the newly renovated local neighborhood Target. It is the first time we have been there since it was transformed in to a “Super Target.” Now, I realize that I am in the minority on this one, but even before it was “Super,” Target has never been one of my favorite places to shop (sorry, JJ). The thought of a “Super Target” was akin to a “super hemorrhoid” in my mind.

It was the usual freak show worthy of any carnival. There were, of course, those who are unable to shop without cell phone attached to face - “So he was acting all weird, ya know, but I decided to go out with him anyway, and like, ya know, it was all just kinda weird…” I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE GET OUT OF MY WAY! (the women are just as bad). While negotiating the carneys and celluloids, I wound up in the food section of the “Super” store (I think this is the part that is supposed to make it “Super”). What I saw turned my head and may have forever changed my perception of Target (“Super” or otherwise).

It was… the wine aisle.

Now, Claire (and anyone else who may read this), you know that I am fond of wine and while not an expert, I have more than a passing knowledge of the noble grape. I have my favorite wine countries, regions, grapes, blends, and even keep a few particularly good bottles around for special occasions (like a Saturday evening). But, Claire!!! They have discovered something to simplify the whole wine experience that is nothing short of genius! While they cannot take credit for discovering that wines actually come in colors now, they have this brilliant system for categorizing wines. Forget countries, forget vintage and non-vintage, forget cork, screw cap and box o’wine… Look!

That’s right, white wine now comes in “Rich” or “Crisp.” (!!!) No longer do I have to read every bottle to see which one is rich and which one is crisp, country by country, grape by grape. Think of all the time I can save. I can decide that I want a crisp white wine to go with my Tyson Chicken Tenders and just reach out and grab a bottle. I don’t even have to look at which one I picked! Finally; freedom from choice… But just when I thought I had seen the best of some Targety genius’ epiphany, there was this:

I have seen the Promised Land and it is in “Super Target.” Wine selected specifically for someone of my (and most of my neighborhood’s) persuasion. Let the GLBT community rejoice, for we have been given the gift of Fruity Wine. I knew that all of the boys in the store would soon be crowding this section at any moment, so I snapped the picture as quickly as I could. I do think, however, in all fairness, that they should have at least one small section of “Straight People’s Wine.” Bisexuals can grab a bottle of each.

It was all too much to take in, so I did not actually buy a bottle of wine segregated exclusively for my demographic. Maybe next time…

So it is with a sincere apology and a big mea culpa that I retract anything negative I have ever said about Target. It truly is “Super.”