On Being Bitchy

I went into the day knowing it was going to be a bad one. I promised myself that no matter what happened, I would remain calm, cool, and collected. I was none of those.

Since I work for a non-profit organization, we get involved in fund raising events. I hate these events – all of them. Here’s how it goes for me… gather all of the credit card machines and slips (yes, the old mechanical card swipe variety), grab some cash to make change, gather lots of pens, and hope somebody at the event has a clue about a process – any process –any idea of what I can expect.

I had my stuff ready, and as usual, nobody had a clue. It was a Casino event in an open airport hangar, which could be fun if you’re NOT IN SOUTH FLORIDA. It was brutally hot and humid – a VERY bad combination for me. The people running the event were nowhere to be found and so people started arriving asking me question that I had no idea how to answer. First I was annoyed, then I got pissed, how far behind can bitchy be?

Not far, it turned out.

Fortunately, the bitchiness was not directed at the people who were giving me money. Unfortunately, it was directed at my coworkers. Most didn’t deserve it, but some, correction… one, did deserve it. SHE, as I will refer to her, first pissed me off when SHE discovered SHE had a flat tire and went straight into high drama. SHE, who was supposed to be running the show for our little non-profit, left just before the event was supposed to start, leaving us high and dry and trying to figure out what we were supposed to be doing. When SHE returned, did SHE help? No, SHE went to the gaming tables and played all night. The final blow was when it was time to leave. At this point I was drenched, tired, and more than ready to get into my air conditioned car heading for my air conditioned home. With our arms full of things to bring back to the office, why can’t we leave? Because SHE was having another crisis – SHE couldn’t find her lip gloss so we couldn’t leave… that’s when I lost it.

“Lip gloss? LIP GLOSS? Oh yeah, we’re ready to leave… aren’t we ready to leave everyone? Yup, we are SO ready to leave. Have fun … good luck finding the LIP GLOSS!” With just a tad of sarcasm in my voice and daggers flying from my eyes, I stormed out the door.

In retrospect, I might feel bad or at least be concerned for Monday morning since SHE and I share an office. But since I am going on a business trip next week, I won’t see HER for another week. SHE can chew on it for the week. SHE can chew on the bloody lip gloss for all I care.

I am not normally inclined to displays of drama. I do my best to control my inner bitch. Sometime, however, ya just gotta let ‘er loose…

Painted Into A Corner

Well, I thought it was clever… at first, any way.

If you make it all the way down to the bottom of the page, you may notice the little jukebox. If you look at the song titles, you may notice a correlation to the blog titles. Yes, all of the blog titles share the names of songs (with a little literary license in one case). I didn’t set out to do this, it just kind of happened that way. When I found the jukebox widget, I thought it would be fun to put the corresponding song into the jukebox and keep it going. That’s where I made my mistake.

I couldn’t think of another bloody idea that had a matching song title.

Oh sure, there are lots of possibilities, but each false start has resulted in no blog because it is all too contrived. Why would I want to paint myself into a corner like that? I refuse to look for a song about being painted into a corner…

So I am releasing myself. I am cleaning up the jukebox, because I really don’t like most of those songs anyway. I will write whatever I damn well please, with no silly boundaries, and include songs (in the widget at the bottom of the page) because I like the song.

Ahhh… that’s better. OK, let’s get this started this over… again.

Always

The usual suspects of my office space
are strewn across the desk.
A study in organized disarray
both functionally and aesthetically displeasing
at once
in a fashion, or lack of fashion
that would make the most attention deficient
proud.

But over in the corner,
tucked between the phone
and my grossly ostentatious display
of position (not) and power (not)
(an engraved NAME and TITLE
that is in itself a study in bad taste),
is a picture.

In a little gold frame,
a little picture
of a man whose smile lights my life.
The cleaning crew may wonder
as they wipe around the clutter late this night
why the nameplate is a man’s
and the picture is of a man
but if I cared about that
the picture wouldn’t be there…
or maybe the name plate wouldn’t…

It doesn’t matter.

My love is always watching
with a smile on his face
as if he knows that his virtual presence
is a way to haunt this place
that treated him so poorly.

Let them think what they may.
You will always be by my side.

Always

Go Your Own Way

This is working out very nicely. Out of the frustration of the inability to post a blog or make a comment on the old dying horse (Yahoo 360), I am actually having fun again.

I am not trying to recreate what I had there – I think that would be foolish. You can’t expect to recreate something unique, but you can start fresh. I never expected to have friends come around right away… that’s just an added bonus. But I have the desire to write again without the pitfalls that began to plague the old place.

I do miss some of my 360 friends (the ones who are not already here), but some have already visited and one very special friend who I have not heard from in a long time has even stopped by. Very cool.

Like a good relationship, there is no specific expectation, there is no pressure, but there is the satisfaction of knowing something is right and working.

This is working for me.

Yay.

Pride (From The Inside Out)

It was just a year ago that I attended my first Pridefest, here in Fort Lauderdale. It was a beautiful spring day with the usual mix of colorful characters and everyday people who just happen to be gay. From that day, three things stand out as memorable for me:

The Mango Margaritas
My audition and acceptance into the Fort Lauderdale Gay Men’s Chorus
The rings that David and I found and wear everyday

This year, my experience was completely different. I was behind the booth representing a worthy organization – one that I happen to work for. I wasn’t sure how well received a Cancer care organization would be among the festivities. There were many surprises and all of them were positive.

Whose life has not been touched by cancer? Friends, family, self… people did not just wander by – they stopped, they chatted, they laughed, they told their personal stories of survival and loss, they learned, the signed up to learn more or volunteer, they donated, they thanked us for what we do… it was amazing. And why shouldn’t it be? I chose to do this because this area has a very large gay community and our organization does little to nothing to draw them in. It is a community that has experience in dealing with adversity. It is a community that will go where they feel welcome and safe, and then tell others about their experience.

This type of experience is not unique to our organization, but it is new to me. I work in finance and operations, so I have no experience with the outreach process. I recently made a comment to David that I don’t feel a lot of passion for the organization – not the mission or intent, but our little group of ten people who work together trying to keep our heads above water day to day. Well, I just had a glimpse into what it is all about. I think I may get it now…

So I have learned pride from the inside out. I am proud of what our organization achieves in spite of the obstacles. I am proud of our gay community for so graciously receiving and supporting us. But as wonderful as all of that may be there is something even greater that I will take away as the best memory of this year’s Pridefest.

David, who is responsible for me even having this job, was let go by the organization nearly a year ago. As difficult as that was (and still is for me) he gets it. He not only volunteered to man the booth with me… he shined. David spoke about the organization with an understanding and passion that was humbling for me. I work there; I should know, I should care… but I have let my personal bitterness obscure the good. He drew people in and made some impressive contacts. I am so incredibly proud of him.

I did not have any Mango Margaritas this year.
My time with the Chorus was good, but it did not work out.
We still wear the rings and I have something far greater than anything I expected to find at Pridefest 2008. I saw my David, my love, through new eyes.

(Just Like) Starting Over

What am I doing here? Well, after spending over two years on Yahoo 360, I would have been perfectly happy to keep my blog there. But that site has begun to resemble a post-apocalyptic ruin. Unsupported, glitch-ridden, and nearly abandoned… it’s time to move.

This is an opportunity to get back to basics. I started this process to write… and write I have. Along with that came the benefits and pitfalls of a social networking site – those who have nothing more to offer than posting pretty pictures with a cut and paste multi-colored text taken from someone else. Drama and treachery from the seamier side of the virtual world… But it has been balanced by some great writers and amazing connections to the point of even finding my life partner in the process… part of why it is so hard to abandon the old dying horse. So while I am not quite ready to shoot it, I can no longer deal with the inability to post a blog or a comment without hitting glitches.

I imagine that being used to a social networking site, this may be a bit of a lonely experience. However, I am looking forward to writing for writing’s sake… not as a response or reaction to what is going on around me in a social networking world. I like to believe that I don’t write to an audience, but let’s be real… if we weren’t writing to an audience (known or unknown) why would we post blogs?

I considered other social networking sites like Multiply (for about 5 seconds) and Ning (forced social networking… I don’t think so)… nothing seemed to fit. When my Yahoo mail started getting glitchy on me, I said “Basta!” Enough is enough… I switched to gmail, changed my home page to Google, and found Blogger. So… why not?

I really enjoy connecting to people through writing – even if I don’t always know it is actually happening. I tend to share on the brink of TMI, then write something completely cryptic, and then often throw in humor when it is least appropriate. Don’t worry if you don’t see any of that here yet… there isn’t any.

So, hello Blogger world. It is time to start over and see where this path leads.

That’s what I am doing here.