Time Will Tell

I received a rather remarkable email today. It was from my father. While for most people that may seem rather unremarkable, for me it is akin to a Christmas miracle.

For most of my life, my father and I never spoke to each other very much, and when we did, it usually was not good. There was a period when I was married where things improved – mostly because he adored my wife. When my marriage broke up, things started falling apart. When my mother passed nearly two years ago, they fell apart altogether. I did not travel for the funeral, nor could I, had I wanted to – but I did not want to because, to me, it was a violation of her very clear wishes.

Attempts at phone calls, gifts sent for Holidays… all went with no response – So I gave up. When I heard that he moved and did not tell me that he was moving or where he was, I was convinced that he wanted nothing to do with me.

Then I received an email today. I had to read it several times, but even though it said “Dad” at the end, it did not read like anything I have ever heard from him. For the first time in my life, he was reaching out to me. He wants to start anew. He even included the word “Love” in the closing – a word I have never heard from him. I don’t know if it is because of the Holidays, I don’t know if he was visited by three spirits in the night, I don’t know if he suddenly realized that he is growing older and he has no communication with his only son… but he sent it.

This presents a dilemma.

My father is probably the only person in the world (well, my world) who does not know I am gay. It is not because I am afraid of him, or ashamed of who I am… quite the opposite. It is because I know the reality of how this would hit an ultra-conservative, right wing, uber-Catholic who believes that the decline of the Catholic Church is the result of the “god-damned homos” rather than twisted pedophilic priests… plus he has a heart condition. I don’t want to be the one to push him over the edge. I also know how it would hurt him and in spite of our difficulties and differences, I do not want to cause him any hurt. But he reached out. If I am not to respond and reach back, it would go against everything I believe to the core of who I am. But I know if we begin a new relationship and if we are to achieve any closeness, the subject is inevitable unless I lie. After going through the process of coming out in my late 40’s, I am finished with the lies for this lifetime.

It was easy to avoid the subject when there was no communication. Sometimes it is easier to be angry with a difficult person because then it is their fault. But now, the ball is clearly in my court.

I wrote a response. I welcomed his note and said that I would like to start anew… and then I stared at the message for several minutes before I hit the “send” button. I did this fully aware of the implications and how his first attempt at reaching out to me could end with a lot of hurt. I don’t know what comes next.

Only time will tell.