Blue

I remember shades of blue
sky upon water
surreal cerulean
that would not fade for season
or reason

in a land where dreams were born
and died
a place of quiet spirituality
and great unrest
in a tangle of contradiction
a fiction

of a reality unrealized
but for the blue

Separate the man from the setting
concrete and steel
languishing landscape
that does not change for reason
or season

in a land where dreams are reborn
and try
to reclaim what drifted down
a dry well
where hope springs
from broken wings

looking ever skyward
for the blue

It Was Nice…

… while I lasted. As good as it is to have three day off, it is really too short. It seems to have highlighted the need for a REAL vacation. I look forward to the end of June when David and I are off for a week – a whole honest-to-goodness week.

Oy… I am so not ready for tomorrow. Oh well, so it goes…

Put the coffeemaker on the timer and put the Tums in my briefcase – and so begins another work week.

Halle-Frekin-Holiday-Weekend-Lujah!

We made it…

That’s a picture of me and my co-workers standing out in the oppressive heat shedding nary a bead of perspiration. We are cool with the fact that at noon today we shut and locked the doors for business until Tuesday morning.

That’s Millicent to my right. I couldn’t resist beaning her with the flagpole after how much she pissed me off this week. On my left is Barbie. She is the one they created that blond joke about – you know the one: “Two blondes walk into a building… you would have thought one would see it...” That’s Margie gazing skyward over my left shoulder. Poor dear… she is permanently stuck in that position and always has that look on her face. We are taking up a collection… Behind Margie is Dana… we’re still accepting bets on its gender. Over my right shoulder is Eleanor, holding her charming daughter Eleanor Jr. That’s her husband, Gus, all the way in the back yelling “Where’s my beer, bitch?” He’s always good for a laugh and a lot of fun, Gus. The rest are people just caught up in the moment who decided to join our little impromptu celebration.

You might wonder "Why the banner of the Queen?" How many times do I have to tell you about Wilton Manors? The lady over in England is a wannabee… the real queens live here.

If you are fortunate enough to have a Holiday weekend, may it be as festive as the so-happy-they-are-downright-gay folk of my little town (part III).

Après Trey

As anticipated, the week after “it’s finally over” is proving to be a killer. In addition to the ladies who composed two thirds of the trio who ran the show last Saturday (the third is me) being away on vacation, another coworker is out sick all week. That’s three out of a staff of ten – and four of the remainder are part time employees, and one of the remaining is completely incompetent… that pretty much leaves my boss and me. My boss has been at meetings, lunches, media events… the usual boss lady stuff… so while it has been a quiet week, it has been a very BUSY week.

We lowly finance people do not have glory jobs. The event people, fundraisers, program coordinators, and anyone associated with children’s programs are usually in the spotlight. I get to clean up the mess afterwards, pay the bills, and make sure that everyone gets paid on time. Some of my highlights of the week included the joy of explaining to someone why their tickets to our event are not tax deductible, how someone who paid nearly $30,000 for a winning auction bid (a motorcycle) had to get the bike out of the venue this week and pay for the towing himself, and fend off a steady stream of “How much did we make?” from people who think the credit cards process themselves, everything automatically enters itself into Quickbooks, and the bills all come on time. I also got to meet with a rep from Pitney Bowes because our lease is nearly up… talk about your good times!

The real highlight of the week was the board of director’s meeting Tuesday evening. Aside from being a 12 hour day, I am the official board bitch, so I have to prepare all of the reports, agenda, minutes, and play “hostess with the mostess” when they all arrive. Actually there was a real highlight – the resignation of a board member who is the foulest sort of creature to slither the swamp that is South Florida. He is the pompous ass who unceremoniously escorted David out the door when his job was eliminated. A rare moment of vindication – this ass made a fool of himself one too many times and after 13 years on the board, he removed himself. The chairman quickly squashed any protest and made it clear that we should honor his wishes. Just when I thought said chair didn’t have a set… There was much celebration in my office…

But it has taken its toll. I am putting in a ridiculous number of hours and I am still not keeping pace with what needs to be done. I woke at 2 am and spent the rest of the night running back and forth to the bathroom… yuck. I went to work, but I was barely there mentally. I made it until about 2 pm and just hit that wall. I faced the reality that I was completely useless today. So I came home and slept until about 5 pm, decided to get this all out (aren’t you lucky?) and I will meet with my boss at 8 AM tomorrow to review the new fiscal year’s budget – that I have to complete in three weeks.

BUT… the work day ends at noon tomorrow and I have an honest to goodness three day Holiday weekend!!! It sucks that David has to work on Saturday, but we both have Monday off. Time off… I have almost forgotten what it is like.

Yay for Holiday weekends and Imodium!

So… how has your week been?

Trèy Bien

No, my French is not that bad… it relates to the story about:

It’s Finally Over…

…sort of. The most dreaded day of the year – the annual BIG fundraiser that can make or break our little non-profit. The basket we foolishly put all of our eggs into, then try stretch this money until the next annual BIG fundraiser.

Some people enjoy this kind of thing. I don’t. I am not an event planner, I am not a fundraiser, I don’t even get the concept of non-profit… OK, I do, but I have always worked in for-profit business and that’s the business world that makes sense to me. But not only do I get roped into this and all of the other smaller fundraisers, I am always the one who has to deal with the raffles (bad idea), auctions (worse idea) and anything that remotely deals with money or the collection of cash, checks, credit cards, and anything people want to throw at us. I am the finance guy – Give me with my HP12C calculator and an Excel spreadsheets and I’m happy.

Well, it has now gone to another level of personal hell for me. Since letting go of experienced, competent staff (i.e. David), I am now pretty much running the show. Which means that I don’t get to enjoy the entertainment (that’s a story in itself) I have to be in three places at once orchestrating volunteers collecting money for a raffle, and training them in five minutes or less to be spotters and runners for a live auction and dealing with those, yes, again, damn mechanical swipe credit card machines. This year, the “organizers” of the event decided to have three auctions spaced out during the performances – with no room for as much as a table for me to get organized. So I stood for the better part of eight hours.

Did I say I hate events and I am not an event planner? Well, no one at work seems to get that.

But to show that I have not completely turned into a bitter bitch who only complains about work, I have to admit that there was one good (and very funny) thing that came out of the evening.

The day before the BIG fundraiser, a group of us went to the theatre to go over our logistics (that seemed to change every five minutes) with the theatre people. It took about five seconds to recognize that everyone involved with the theatre was gay (gee, in Fort Lauderdale… go figure). The manager was very nice and we quickly connected to the point that he started directing all of his questions to me. Now, it could be a gay thing, but I am going with the theory that it was his astute sense in recognizing who was sane and actually doing something other than looking pretty, stupid, or pretty stupid.

The funny part was when I arrived yesterday (at 3 pm for a 7:30 to 11:30 event). While standing amongst the ladies who were supposedly running the show, the manager came over to me and introduced me to Trey… my personal assistant for the evening. The look on their faces was almost worth the agony of the event. They were supposedly running the show and I got a personal assistant… hehehe. I was assured that Trey was there to provide me with anything I need… and my goodness, did Trey just follow me like a puppy asking me if I need water, a chair, or anything (and the word anything was repeated several times).

Let me take a moment to describe Trey. Have you ever met a young, extremely good looking Persian or Middle Eastern guy? Trey is just that. His eye contact was direct with a slight dilation of the pupils when he spoke to me (I know a bit about body language). The women were drooling and I was enjoying every minute of it. He completely ignored them… does it get any better? At one point in the evening I had to leave the theatre and put stuff in my car. I took one of the ladies with me because the theatre door would lock behind me and I needed to get back in quickly. Before hand touched door, Trey practically knocked her over and said “I’ll walk you to your car,” and dismissed her with a glance. We had a nice little chat, Trey and I, he let me in backstage and asked the anything question again.

Oh Trey, you made an old guy feel special for a few hours.

It was best summed up by one of my co-workers who was assigned to assist me with the auction. She is a very attractive young lady looking particularly hot in a tight fitting red silk dress and FM heels. With her at my side, and a gaggle of young female volunteers, Trey came over to ask me the anything question without as much as a glance at any of the fine looking ladies. In her lovely British accent, my co-worker said, “Well wasn’t he just all about you… don’t you just have too many bitches here tonight.”

Hehehe..

Oh, the “sort of over” part. The two ladies supposedly running the show are both leaving for a vacation – one for three weeks in Ireland, the other for a week on the coast of North Carolina. I have to go to work tomorrow, sort out all of the money collected in the chaos, run credit cards, call in pledges, summarize the information, get ready for a board of directors meeting, get busy on he annual budget that is due very soon… so it’s never really over.

But they will never have Trey, will they… hehehe…

Everybody Needs This!

A friend just sent this to me and I have to tell you, it was the first thing that made me smile today. OMG... what a perfect gift for the end of a shitty week!

http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

Be sure to try the manic mode...

The Sound of…

We all need silence in our lives. The kind of silence that allows you to process, digest, reflect, meditate, pray, and generally hit that reset button. This is not about any new agey woo-woo crap; this is about keeping sane.

My life is dangerously out of balance.

That may seem an odd statement for me to make. After all, I am the one (for those who know me) who has bitch-slapped life to make change after change (after change). I can proudly say I am the ME who I was meant to be. I shed the skin of my previous life (OK, a couple of skins and a couple of lives) and I took a somewhat interesting path to meet and be with the love of my life. What more can anybody want?

When it comes right down to it, no matter how good things are, you have to be in balance at the core of who you are. Nobody can make you happy, a better person, complete... no matter how romantic those notions may be. I would be remiss if I did not say that David helps to keep me grounded and without him I believe life would be unbearable. Love, and I am talking about the real thing, goes a long way towards making you more whole, more fully human. But ultimately, we are responsible and accountable for all that lies within.

So what is the problem?

My life is consumed by my job. I am either at work, preparing for work, thinking about work, or waking up in the middle of the night worrying about work – an exercise in futility if there ever was one. OK, so we all have to work, and for many of us, work sucks. It’s life, it’s a reality, and we cope and we get by. But there has to be more – and therein lies the problem. I have always had something… my music, cooking, writing, art, friends, and things I am probably not even thinking about (excuse me, I’m out of balance… OK, I still have my sense of humor). At the end of the work day I have little to nothing left. When I should be enjoying life, I am struggling to keep my eyes open for the precious few waking hours we get away from work. During weekends (when I am not working), it is “catch up” time – laundry, cleaning (well, straightening up) bills, etc. Inevitably, the toll of the week catches up with me and I just want to sleep. No music, no cooking, no art, (a bit of writing if I am lucky), and no friends.

There is the constant jabbering of the people I work with, the intrusion of phones, the noise of voices who talk too loudly because we all seem to talk louder since the use of cell phones (a theory of mine – just listen to how people talk on the phone now)… it can drive you to distraction. But that’s not the noise that I am talking about. It is not that from which I seek silence. It is what is within.

It is the voice that wakes up before you do that starts chattering before your eyes are even open (if I sleep for five more minutes, I’ll still have time…). It is the litany of “shoulds” on the drive to work (I should do the payroll first, then start the financial reports…). It is the “awfulization” (imagining scenarios that always end with the worst possible outcome). It is the dread in the pit of the stomach that comes with the realization of no matter how much gets accomplished during the day, it is never going to be enough.

I have dealt with all of this before; this is nothing new. But for eight blissful years of my self-employed life (not that there wasn’t a bump or two on the way) I was relatively free of this nonsense. I gained perspective, I had insight, I found the silent place within myself that afforded me the confidence of knowing that I could handle anything that came my way. And things came my way, and I did handle them, and life carried on.

I find it sad that we can allow the crap to be knocked out of our confidence… that we permit a few, or even one individual to have the power to push our buttons and make our day difficult… that we can forget all of the life lessons that were so hard won and let it knock us backwards.

I know what is wrong. Just like eating properly and getting regular exercise, I can tell you all of the right things to do. I can list the issues and analyze all I like, but when it comes right down to it, I just have to get my ass in gear and do it.

Motherless Day

I have found myself very annoyed by all of the emails (“Last chance for Mother’s Day specials!!!”) TV commercials (mostly Jewelry store ads), and stores (particularly those with Hallmark products) promoting Mother’s Day. I don’t have a mother and I don’t want to hear it. *Note: As I am writing this I just got an email pop-up from Amazon.com saying “Give Mom Exactly What She Wants for Mother's Day.” Huh? Do they deliver on Sunday? Do they deliver to a cemetery?

Why so cranky? Why now? My mother died (not passed on, passed away, gone, demised, ceased to be, joined the choir eternal… she died) last year, March 2007 – before Mother’s Day. One would think that if there were a time all of this would surface, it would have been last year.

I have two theories about why that didn’t happen and is happening now. One is that I am cranky in general from the stress of work. This is not just everyday “work sucks” stress, this is stress of proportions beyond my experience – and having worked in the corporate world for 25 years AND having my own business, that is saying something. The other theory is more likely the culprit…

I moved here to be with David exactly two years ago today (yes, I remember that kind of thing). Three days later I was back on the road (with David, of course), to spend a weekend at Disney and meet David’s mom and brother. It was the start of a tradition – we did the same last year and had a wonderful time. To understand why this is significant, you have to know David’s mom. She is not only, quite possibly, the sweetest person in the world, she also instantly considered me part of the family and refers to me as one of her boys. Wow. I have to admit, that just writing those words is making me a bit emotional. I have not experience that kind of acceptance with my biological family. So, I think I was distracted in a very positive way and did not dwell on my loss.

We are not going this year. For reasons financial and work related, it just didn’t work out. It is the smart thing to do… but it has a consequence that I didn’t anticipate. I seem to be reliving the loss in a bit of a delayed reaction. That’s the odd thing about loss – just when you think you have moved on, it can catch back up to you.

So I am tired from work, I am cranky in general, and I am having a little pity party (table for one, please) of grieving. The Holiday will pass, I will move on, and get this particular bit of business out of the way.

Now in all fairness to those of you who are celebrating the day with your mother, or are a mother yourself (something I have been called more than once – usually followed by another word), I don’t mean to be a dark cloud. I truly wish you and your mother a wonderful day. Honor her, cherish her, and let her know how much you love her. Whatever your relationship, she is the only mother you will ever have, so get past the family crap and be good to her.

OK, I’ll make a deal with you. Treat your mother well for one day and I’ll stop being cranky about this. Deal?

Sweet Home, Wilton Manors

Business trips… a necessary evil. Fortunately, I will have far less business travel than when I was a corporate execudriod, but the potential for more trips exists. I work for a non-profit, and anyone who knows that world knows that they are staffed by women and gay men. The women seem to outnumber the men by… oh, roughly… 99 to 1. (Yes, Alli – chatty, chatty women…lol) After a week of talking shop non-stop, I was more than ready to come home.

As nice as the location was (Palm Springs, CA), as well appointed as the room was, as good as the meals were, as fun as the activities were (tour and dinner at a zoo after hours, comedy club with a reunion of some Saturday Night Live cast)… there really is no place like home.

I am sitting on my soft leather sofa, feet up, laptop on lap… life is good. Being with David after a week of being apart is better than good.

I have but one small favor to ask of you out there in cyberplace… remind me of I what I just said when I go back to work tomorrow.

Anyway… The blog title came before the country theme of the picture above, that I found on Google Images. Imagine my surprise when I actually recognized someone in the picture (it’s a small town). Second on the left is Michael, a member of David’s Blue Ice softball team and one incredibly sweet guy! Here are some of Michael’s alter egos:

Wonder Woman Michael and Blue Ice Michael

… yet another reason why I call this strange and wonderful place, my little town (part III)

Out Of The Frying Pan…

I am sitting in a hotel room looking at a view of something I haven’t seen in two years – mountains. I don’t count Vented Landfill Mountain on Rt. 95 as more than a blip in the flatness of Florida. I am on a business trip in Palm Springs, CA… OK, I know what you are thinking – wow, nice gig. Well, it is nice to get away, I am traveling with my boss who is as much of a buddy as a work associate, but… you knew there as a but… It is an organization of 99% women (chatty, chatty women) and the seminars and workshops are like a reintroduction to the corporate world… something I thought I left behind.

It’s not all bad. It is a good organization and I am meeting some very nice people. But (another but) the days are longs and each day seems to get more intense. For example, today’s activities start at 7:30 and end at 10 PM. Given the three hour time difference, this is WAY past my bedtime.

What a strange area. I have been to the desert before (south Arizona), but not here. Other than what has been artificially introduced to the area (golf courses, palm trees) there is no color. The mountains, while striking, are grey or brown. The winds, which I am grateful for after our first day hit 100 degrees, are ceaseless. Last night looked like a blizzard with sand instead of snow- it makes for interesting night driving. The nighttime view of a fire on top of a mountain was disquieting, although I’m not sure what can burn on barren rock. I look at it as an interesting place to visit… check it off the list of potential place to see.

It is good to be out of the office, even if I am getting annoying emails from work. They think I can fix their computer problems from here. Right… the problem is seldom the computer. I am trying to have fun with it as much as possible. What makes it difficult is the presence of three of our board members in attendance. They are, well… did I mention my boss is nice?

OK, off to shower and get ready for ten hours of back-to back seminars. I hope you are all having as much fun in your world.

Be good, my friends…

P.S. – David, I miss you so much! Next time I go away, I’m taking you with me. In this situation, it would be a little too much fun… then again I need to keep my job : )