I have found myself very annoyed by all of the emails (“Last chance for Mother’s Day specials!!!”) TV commercials (mostly Jewelry store ads), and stores (particularly those with Hallmark products) promoting Mother’s Day. I don’t have a mother and I don’t want to hear it. *Note: As I am writing this I just got an email pop-up from Amazon.com saying “Give Mom Exactly What She Wants for Mother's Day.” Huh? Do they deliver on Sunday? Do they deliver to a cemetery?Why so cranky? Why now? My mother died (not passed on, passed away, gone, demised, ceased to be, joined the choir eternal… she died) last year, March 2007 – before Mother’s Day. One would think that if there were a time all of this would surface, it would have been last year.
I have two theories about why that didn’t happen and is happening now. One is that I am cranky in general from the stress of work. This is not just everyday “work sucks” stress, this is stress of proportions beyond my experience – and having worked in the corporate world for 25 years AND having my own business, that is saying something. The other theory is more likely the culprit…
I moved here to be with David exactly two years ago today (yes, I remember that kind of thing). Three days later I was back on the road (with David, of course), to spend a weekend at Disney and meet David’s mom and brother. It was the start of a tradition – we did the same last year and had a wonderful time. To understand why this is significant, you have to know David’s mom. She is not only, quite possibly, the sweetest person in the world, she also instantly considered me part of the family and refers to me as one of her boys. Wow. I have to admit, that just writing those words is making me a bit emotional. I have not experience that kind of acceptance with my biological family. So, I think I was distracted in a very positive way and did not dwell on my loss.
We are not going this year. For reasons financial and work related, it just didn’t work out. It is the smart thing to do… but it has a consequence that I didn’t anticipate. I seem to be reliving the loss in a bit of a delayed reaction. That’s the odd thing about loss – just when you think you have moved on, it can catch back up to you.
So I am tired from work, I am cranky in general, and I am having a little pity party (table for one, please) of grieving. The Holiday will pass, I will move on, and get this particular bit of business out of the way.
Now in all fairness to those of you who are celebrating the day with your mother, or are a mother yourself (something I have been called more than once – usually followed by another word), I don’t mean to be a dark cloud. I truly wish you and your mother a wonderful day. Honor her, cherish her, and let her know how much you love her. Whatever your relationship, she is the only mother you will ever have, so get past the family crap and be good to her.
OK, I’ll make a deal with you. Treat your mother well for one day and I’ll stop being cranky about this. Deal?
10 comments:
It's hard to grieve. It's a natural part of life, and something we seem to have to do, but damnit . . . it sucks! Those are the times I truly wish we could just shut off the emotion with a switch.
Keep sharing, and let it out. It's not a pity party hon, it's you just experiencing what you need to so you can move on. You've got people around you that love and support you, and there are those of us that are just a blog-ment away ;)
Much love -- jj:)
Yes, it's odd how different things will trigger that sense of loss. And sometimes it's something so small that will do it. A week or so ago, I happened to get an Oklahoma state quarter in change, and I felt a pang of grief for my dad. You see, he was collecting those quarters, watching for each new one that came out, but most of all, being an Okie, he was waiting for that Oklahoma quarter. Somehow I sort of superstitiously thought he would live to complete the collection, or at least until the OK coin was minted. And I learned last year how diffcult Father's Day could be when you no longer have a father.
So, you've got a deal. Even though I find myself getting rather impatient with my mother these days, as she becomes more and more cantankerous, I'll remember all that she did for me along the way and celebrate the fact that she is still here. Likewise, I won't dwell on my kids who have cut me out of their lives, but will enjoy the day with the kids who have come to appreciate me and actually enjoy doing something nice for me.
Galen, that is what I hoped for and then some! Thank you so much for understanding and "getting it." Yay us...
JJ, I suppose I know it's not a pity party, but it helps to hear it. Thanks you for your kind words and just being you.
I think that for alot of gay people,that lack of acceptance is felt.Though the reasons could be something entirely different..I am assuming thats what it is.
There is some if any consolation in the fact that a family can be made or adopted,with the people of your choosing,instead of just the biological given....which let's face it,isn't always a given.
You are wholly entitled to your emotions,and allowed to express them whatever and whenever they may be...no apologies.
My heart goes out to you in your time of pain,we cannot control where and when it hits us.And I am joyed that you have made a home in the hearts of others with open arms.
Jeffrey, I don't know if it is because I am in a particularly raw state, but your words hit home in a very emotional way. You are right on... there are some universal issues about loss and acceptance, but there are those that are specific to being gay. I know the value of redefining family, and I consider you a member of mine. Thank you, my sweet furry friend!
It will be a very different Mother's Day. One of the reasons I moved to Florida was to be closer to my mother, to share holidays and special occasions. So this time will pass without seeing her, but soon we will be spending the week with not only her (80th birthday reunion) but with the rest of my family who are very much looking forward to meeting the man who makes me so very happy.
Sometimes when things feels compounded it only takes a mopments thought to provoke or inspire...for ill or good.
It is good and part of life to create or at least try and shape the immediate world we live in by means of friendships,those friendships can sometimes take on greater meaning and create bonds as strong as any other.
You will always be in my heart dear one.
Ok..enough mush..Im gonna go do something butch now..like masturbating.
I'm very grateful for my mom's/family's acceptence. Sometime after I came out near the end of 2004, I was standing by my mom while she was cooking at the stove and she said to me, "you like them old guys don't you"? She didn't hesitate to show pix of me & my ex, or Bart. So, yeah, I love my mom.
I haven't seen my mom/family in 2yrs. & 6mths. I miss her, I don't call her as often as I should, and I worry that something will happen to her and I won't be there... though, I know she has plenty of years ahead of her. Sometimes I worry that my being away for so long is like a buffer in case something DOES happen. I'm not ready for that. I'm worried that I'd flip or would feel totally numb. But, enough of that... I've been thinking of these things often, but haven't said anything about it. So, yeah, I know my mom and I are a lot alike, we both worry and have our moods except her astrological sign is Cancer.
Anyway, I get it, you got a deal. (((BIG HUGS))) & LOVE, Rob:-)
Well, Thom, those are indeed your feelings and you should own them as long as you need. "Holidays" of most types make me cranky....but that is just me....and while I do have both of my parents and a wonderful Mom-in-law who has totally accepted me (my friends say I won the Mother-in-Law contest) it would be hard without. I, too, am a big fan on the extended family and have been very blessed with many great friends after I came out and learned to deal with the real me (and THAT wasn't...and still isn't...pretty). So hugs to you, my friend. And we'll see you anon (ooo...did I just use anon in a sentence?! LOL) Bye, babe.
John
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