We all need silence in our lives. The kind of silence that allows you to process, digest, reflect, meditate, pray, and generally hit that reset button. This is not about any new agey woo-woo crap; this is about keeping sane.
My life is dangerously out of balance.
That may seem an odd statement for me to make. After all, I am the one (for those who know me) who has bitch-slapped life to make change after change (after change). I can proudly say I am the ME who I was meant to be. I shed the skin of my previous life (OK, a couple of skins and a couple of lives) and I took a somewhat interesting path to meet and be with the love of my life. What more can anybody want?
When it comes right down to it, no matter how good things are, you have to be in balance at the core of who you are. Nobody can make you happy, a better person, complete... no matter how romantic those notions may be. I would be remiss if I did not say that David helps to keep me grounded and without him I believe life would be unbearable. Love, and I am talking about the real thing, goes a long way towards making you more whole, more fully human. But ultimately, we are responsible and accountable for all that lies within.
So what is the problem?
My life is consumed by my job. I am either at work, preparing for work, thinking about work, or waking up in the middle of the night worrying about work – an exercise in futility if there ever was one. OK, so we all have to work, and for many of us, work sucks. It’s life, it’s a reality, and we cope and we get by. But there has to be more – and therein lies the problem. I have always had something… my music, cooking, writing, art, friends, and things I am probably not even thinking about (excuse me, I’m out of balance… OK, I still have my sense of humor). At the end of the work day I have little to nothing left. When I should be enjoying life, I am struggling to keep my eyes open for the precious few waking hours we get away from work. During weekends (when I am not working), it is “catch up” time – laundry, cleaning (well, straightening up) bills, etc. Inevitably, the toll of the week catches up with me and I just want to sleep. No music, no cooking, no art, (a bit of writing if I am lucky), and no friends.
There is the constant jabbering of the people I work with, the intrusion of phones, the noise of voices who talk too loudly because we all seem to talk louder since the use of cell phones (a theory of mine – just listen to how people talk on the phone now)… it can drive you to distraction. But that’s not the noise that I am talking about. It is not that from which I seek silence. It is what is within.
It is the voice that wakes up before you do that starts chattering before your eyes are even open (if I sleep for five more minutes, I’ll still have time…). It is the litany of “shoulds” on the drive to work (I should do the payroll first, then start the financial reports…). It is the “awfulization” (imagining scenarios that always end with the worst possible outcome). It is the dread in the pit of the stomach that comes with the realization of no matter how much gets accomplished during the day, it is never going to be enough.
I have dealt with all of this before; this is nothing new. But for eight blissful years of my self-employed life (not that there wasn’t a bump or two on the way) I was relatively free of this nonsense. I gained perspective, I had insight, I found the silent place within myself that afforded me the confidence of knowing that I could handle anything that came my way. And things came my way, and I did handle them, and life carried on.
I find it sad that we can allow the crap to be knocked out of our confidence… that we permit a few, or even one individual to have the power to push our buttons and make our day difficult… that we can forget all of the life lessons that were so hard won and let it knock us backwards.
I know what is wrong. Just like eating properly and getting regular exercise, I can tell you all of the right things to do. I can list the issues and analyze all I like, but when it comes right down to it, I just have to get my ass in gear and do it.
My life is dangerously out of balance.
That may seem an odd statement for me to make. After all, I am the one (for those who know me) who has bitch-slapped life to make change after change (after change). I can proudly say I am the ME who I was meant to be. I shed the skin of my previous life (OK, a couple of skins and a couple of lives) and I took a somewhat interesting path to meet and be with the love of my life. What more can anybody want?
When it comes right down to it, no matter how good things are, you have to be in balance at the core of who you are. Nobody can make you happy, a better person, complete... no matter how romantic those notions may be. I would be remiss if I did not say that David helps to keep me grounded and without him I believe life would be unbearable. Love, and I am talking about the real thing, goes a long way towards making you more whole, more fully human. But ultimately, we are responsible and accountable for all that lies within.
So what is the problem?
My life is consumed by my job. I am either at work, preparing for work, thinking about work, or waking up in the middle of the night worrying about work – an exercise in futility if there ever was one. OK, so we all have to work, and for many of us, work sucks. It’s life, it’s a reality, and we cope and we get by. But there has to be more – and therein lies the problem. I have always had something… my music, cooking, writing, art, friends, and things I am probably not even thinking about (excuse me, I’m out of balance… OK, I still have my sense of humor). At the end of the work day I have little to nothing left. When I should be enjoying life, I am struggling to keep my eyes open for the precious few waking hours we get away from work. During weekends (when I am not working), it is “catch up” time – laundry, cleaning (well, straightening up) bills, etc. Inevitably, the toll of the week catches up with me and I just want to sleep. No music, no cooking, no art, (a bit of writing if I am lucky), and no friends.
There is the constant jabbering of the people I work with, the intrusion of phones, the noise of voices who talk too loudly because we all seem to talk louder since the use of cell phones (a theory of mine – just listen to how people talk on the phone now)… it can drive you to distraction. But that’s not the noise that I am talking about. It is not that from which I seek silence. It is what is within.
It is the voice that wakes up before you do that starts chattering before your eyes are even open (if I sleep for five more minutes, I’ll still have time…). It is the litany of “shoulds” on the drive to work (I should do the payroll first, then start the financial reports…). It is the “awfulization” (imagining scenarios that always end with the worst possible outcome). It is the dread in the pit of the stomach that comes with the realization of no matter how much gets accomplished during the day, it is never going to be enough.
I have dealt with all of this before; this is nothing new. But for eight blissful years of my self-employed life (not that there wasn’t a bump or two on the way) I was relatively free of this nonsense. I gained perspective, I had insight, I found the silent place within myself that afforded me the confidence of knowing that I could handle anything that came my way. And things came my way, and I did handle them, and life carried on.
I find it sad that we can allow the crap to be knocked out of our confidence… that we permit a few, or even one individual to have the power to push our buttons and make our day difficult… that we can forget all of the life lessons that were so hard won and let it knock us backwards.
I know what is wrong. Just like eating properly and getting regular exercise, I can tell you all of the right things to do. I can list the issues and analyze all I like, but when it comes right down to it, I just have to get my ass in gear and do it.
9 comments:
Crap!!You seem to always talk about things that strike a chord with me.And honey "work" is one of them.
I always seem to be tired after work,but it's tiring work,and make little or no time afterwards for socialization or me.My days off are spent cleaning,doing laundry,grocery shopping,and other various errands,that at one time I had done during the work week in order to enjoy my days off.
I forgotten something along the way.Though lately I have been trying to find that place again,slowly and painfully through sheer force of will.The day to day rut creates more day to day tiredness.
So even If you are tired,force yourself to do something.Even if you have no energy,make yourself go out for a walk or a ride.Call someone,and set up a hang out time,like an appointment that must be kept.But one that serves the purpose of making you feel better.
Who knows...I have no answers really.
There is no one answer, just lots of choices. But you're right, they all require action... no matter how tired you are. That's the "getting my ass in gear" part. Thanks, love.
I hear you, Thom. It sucks when work takes over your life in and out of the office. I undoubtedly have more free time than you do, but I have so little energy, I get next to nothing done, or at least that's how it feels. Personally I think my blood pressure meds are the cause of most of my fatigue...before I started taking them, I had quite a bit of energy and was really getting things done (thanks to Wellbutrin). It's very frustrating to me. Have you had any of those side effects with your meds?
Well, I have no good advice, I guess. But you're right: getting in gear and overcoming inertia is the first step.
Awww, shoot...this was so up my alley. Thanks a lot...now I'm gonna go back to sleep. Maybe if I can I can just about get to sleep for 2 more hours. How do you always tap in on just the right issue. Yawn!
Luv ya, babe..
Galen, I know, but often forget, how much the meds have an effect. Of the ten meds (yikes!) I take (blood pressure, cholesterol, blood thinners, anti-coagulants, etc.), half of them have warnings about drowsiness, dizziness, operating heavy machinery… the physical and psychological effects of being in a “weakened” state have not escaped me. Thank you for reminding me that there is another factor that contributes to all of this. I am trying to keep up with people who don’t have to deal with all of this crap and being medicated to sleep. But… given the alternative, I’ll keep taking my meds…
Alli, it seems these issues are fairly universal. Sleep problems is one that I had no idea was so widespread. There are, of course, those little energizer bunnies (who I want to shoot) who always have tons of energy. The ones I know seem to have an endless intake of coffee and Red Bull. I think I would rather sleep…
If you haven't felt this, then you haven't worked . . . ;)
You have a wonderful talent in music, and I'm sure it's equally matched by your artistic abilities. What I've done is to schedule time to actually do what I enjoy.
Sounds a bit cold and calculated - but WOW what a blessing it has been. I spend a few hrs each day on my weekend dedicated to two things -- playing with my pooch and creating something (be it poetry, artwork, design, etc.). It has become something I look forward to, and I've found that I'm able to shut the "work mode" off much easier now.
And if you decide to open a b&b again -- lemme know! ;)
Whateveah u do hon, do it for you. Without the inner peace, the rest of the world is nothing but noise.
BIG HUGZ from Kansas!
jj:)
Sleep?Whats that?Great is the day I can get more than 4 hours.It's one of those things I keep putting off checking out.I would like meds to help me sleep longer,but I worry what that will do to my overall energy level.There is always a darkside.
I find that regular exercise,outside of work,helps to energize me.I am dead when I get home but I force myself...or maybe I'm really sick and just enjoy punishing myself :-)No pain no gain,but why must pain hurt? hehe *kisses*
Word! You've said everything I've been thinking... and thinking... and thinking... and...
You gotta get some new pimp threads, a gold tooth, some rings, and a cane or something so you can "bitch-slap life" some more.
Hmmm? I'm actually at a loss for words, I guess because I feel the weight of everything you've said... mainly, "My life is dangerously out of balance."
Hopefully you got a goodnight's sleep. It's late and I'm being an insomniac again... I think I will go to sleep now. Take care of yourself, Sweetheart. (((BIG HUGS))) & LOVE, Rob:-)
See, Thom, you have a lot of kindred spirits so you shouldn't feel isolated with your feelings! :-) Not that it makes it feel any better to know that many feel and live your pain...because you're still living it. As you said, you know what the issues are and what to do about them, it sounds that the "how" is eluding you...based on the lack of time. Now THAT resonates. For me, I am fortunate to have my garden and yard to allow me escape...though I have a groundhog issue that can make me akin to Bill Murray if I dwell on it too much (or look at the fact that there will be no delphiniums, liatris or asters and a small crop of black-eyed Susans this year). {See, he's taking hold again!!]. But having that time outdoors makes a world of difference for me. I can escape that crazy job for a bit....I can't change what that place is, someone was commenting on the way up the parking garage stairs yesterday that they "could work 26 hours a day and it wouldn't be enough". A more true statement could not be said, they are ALL like that, doing a nice job? Well, here's five more things....handling that....well, here' another three or a really BIG "opportunity". Saying "No" is rarely an option because it usually has consequences...and in a world of downsizing (or "right-sizing" as we like to call it) that makes for added anxiety.
It sounds like David is the gate to your garden and I hope that you make the time to go there. You have it well analyzed and you know what could work.....may you find a path that works for you. OK, the coffee hasn't truly kicked in and I am not going to re-read this to make sure I am not babbling! LOL Take care, Thom....hugs from CT
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